Even if you are ‘conscious‘ and especially if you are in the process of getting conscious (like the rest of us) then relationships are likely to be an arena where all your ‘stuff’ plays out.
Especially in romantic and sexual relationships, it can become what I call ‘hook central’ which means basically very messy, with lots of strong emotions and projections hooking us into painful patterns (and energy draining patterns behaviours such as blaming, resenting, obsessively checking your FB messages etc).
There are good reasons for this! We have hundreds of years of collective and ancestral crap that we seem to be in charge of acting out, and hopefully, moving through. We have a ginormous wound between the masculine and feminine that shows itself in our relationships - and can play a starring role in our break ups. And even if we think that we are pretty conscious, our intimate partners often have a way of taking us right into our deepest wounds, in a way that can get confusing and over whelming.
On the day that I began writing this article I had messaged my ex, and when he did not respond right away AND I could see he was on FB …I probably called him an asshole under my breath about 10 times during the course of the day.
So I get it, I am not exempt. I observe this force that wants to interpret my ex’s perhaps completely innocent actions as blatant disrespect and solid proof that ‘he is an uncaring asshole’ and ‘I am rejected and unworthy’.
We all have these potential forces at play, the temptation to either get overly dramatic, or perhaps completely shut down, the question is, do we feed the story, or do we choose a different way to meet this, and what would that look like?
The reason I write this is that I am suggesting that it is important to stop playing that old game and stop creating MORE messiness and pain in our relationships.
Personally I feel it is high time to be emotional ninjas- slicing through the old stories, healing this masculine/feminine wound and claiming our sovereign wisdom, giving up our fantasies and inherited beliefs about how things should be and begin to meet reality, accept it , love it, and each other and create a paradigm of ‘clean’ relationships based on mutual respect, responsibility and integrity.
Obviously this is a work in progress, for me anyway...
I offer the following suggestions on how we can do that with full knowledge that it aint that simple and easy, but surely its time to give setting a new standard of 'mature relating' a go anyway.
BTW - What I write below would not necessarily applicable to abusive relationships in which case the steps would be different -that's another article.
#1 The moment you make it all about
him/her -come back to you
So there is the reality of what happened ( and is happening) in your relationship… and then there is your story about it.
Stories go on in our minds. They are the news reel replaying our old version of reality super imposed onto the present, they are usually pretty far from actual reality (which is always fresh and alive) and they keep us playing out the same patterns- again and again.
Next time you notice the old story playing (whatever yours may be) stop and feel your feelings in your body. Even if your ex truly is an arsehole…take the focus off him/her and work with what is getting activated in you;
That’s where your power is!!!
Dive into the actual present moment sensations, what does that anger/rage/sadness feel like in your body right now? If you take away the trigger for that (your ex) what are you left with? Can you breathe into that work with that and transform that shit on your side?
This is a warrior mission- for sure!!! The forces of delusion are SO strong and it requires vigilance to not fall into an abyss of victimhood. In my case there really was a VERY strong argument that the fact that he is not responding to my message proves that he is completely ungrateful for all that we shared and all I am, but was that really the ultimate truth in that situation? No, and in the meantime that story made me feel deeply unworthy.
If we can take the emphasis off the outside ‘he/she should…’ and put the attention back on ‘What is it showing me in ME?’ then this creates the opportunity to do the inner work and move past this- that’s the point.
#2 Take care of your little person
I have noticed that the incredibly strong force that makes up incredibly convincing stories about what is going on, usually stems from the unmet needs of my ‘little one’.
And at the end of the day …my little one, is my responsibility. I can keep on projecting my need for love/ attention/ validation/ whatever OUT or I can take the time to offer my presence to myself.
Taking care of our little one usually requires learning to feel our own pain and smile to it lovingly rather than get lost in a swamp of self pity. It involves learning to hold ourselves in unconditional positive regard and cherish our own vulnerability. It helps to enlist an entire crew of kind hearted souls to cherish us too so we do not put pressure on our romantic partners to make everything ok.
Actually, getting super intimate with your little one allows you to really grow up and relate from a more whole and self-responsible space.
#3 Feel it, own it, express it and
KEEP ON letting it go
Although the mental stories are often distorted… the anger, the grief, the longing, is real. Perhaps this is why we create these dramas…so that we can access the inner most depths of our beings. So, as part of your 'break up support care' I recommend creating time and space to GO THERE!
Do it with intention, you can allow yourself to totally go into the story for a limited amount of time and be fully present to feel and express and release what is there – basically mobilize forces to create the energy shift that you need.
You might want to bring in some outward support for this. Or maybe you can just go into the woods alone and go totally crazy then lay down on the earth and cry for a while, feel completely sorry for yourself, then get back up and walk forward (and repeat the process whenever needed).
#4 Thank You for being my perfect trigger
At some point, after possibly whacking things/ screaming in the woods etc take the time to recognize this person as
‘the perfect trigger’.
What a deal your 2 souls made! To show each other your deepest stuff! A sister was telling me how her ex owed her money. I invited her to shift her perspective to see the $500 as payment for the gift of having her deepest stuff brought to light for healing.
Sooner or later, be open to see the big picture; this was a mutual deal,
you were both in on it, you both played your parts perfectly!
You might be moved to actually reach out to your ex and thank them; sometimes it will feel more appropriate to do this with their higher self rather than their actual self ( do a meditation or write a letter-that you don't need to send-that says all that was unsaid ).
And when in doubt 'hopono- pono the fuck out of it'…( article link to come )
#5 See your ex as your ally
There seems to be a big collective story that sets up our ex as our enemy, I recommend CHOOSING to NOT buy into that one, and instead see your ex as your transformation buddy.
Relationships don’t die, they change form. If you went really deep with someone then the exchange continues on some level and after the safe container of the relationship is no longer there, you can still support each other, and in fact you should.
Perhaps you need to give space and time for the rawness to die down, but if you can keep them on as a brother or sister, this is a beautiful thing.
What I am excited about is this incredible potential for us to transform through relationships AND ‘break-ups’.
My experience has shown me this is totally possible (bows to all my ex’s).
Anyone who moves past the idea of separation does it for the whole ‘THANK YOU FOR BEING ONE OF THE FEW WILLING TO CONSIDER THIS ’, (noting that willingness is key).
Let's not create more separation and more stories... more rage... more blame..
Let's bust patterns, let's create a new paradigm, and do next level love. It starts with you!