I have been that uber self sufficient woman who had difficulty in trusting that the men in my life were capable of really showing up for me.
I also work with SO many of these ‘super strong’ women, helping them to graduate out of the distorted patterns that they have been playing out in their relationships.
One of the reasons I am pulled to do this is that I know first hand that feeling of shame you feel when you realize ……that you are actually, in some way, guilty of disempowering the men in your life
The thing is, is that it actually does not feel good to emasculate men, and step into the power role ALL the time.
And feeling unsupported REALLY sucks too…
AND.. it can be SO frustrating to know you are behaving in ways that are contributing to creating this situation.
If you can relate to any of this then read on.
What is often misunderstood, is that the reason women emasculate men usually ISNT because they really WANT to make men feel like shit… but because they just don’t know how to relax into their feminine nature and TRUST… and probably they haven’t been supported in the right way to do so.
To be rested into our feminine nature is to feel open, responsive, sensual and very present to the sensations in our body.
If a woman feels safe and supported she will usually be able to naturally drop into this connection to her embodied feminine nature and the intrinsic ability to surrender and flow.
If she doesn’t, if she is anxious and on edge, and in her head, she will do all she can to create a feeling of safety and protection, and she will probably move into her masculine side to do this.
Although it might feel ‘safer’, and at times it is actually very healthy and empowering to ‘take control’ and step into ambitious/pro active/ success orientated mode.. without the balance of the feminine qualities, I see that women really suffer.
You know when a woman has 'moved into her masculine' in an unhealthy way...she usually becomes visibly tense and controlling and unable to access, receive and express love and tenderness.
When a woman loses connection with her feminine qualities,
she really loses out, and so does everyone around her.
If she doesn’t understand that she is out of balance and does not actively seek out ways to cultivate an experience of her feminine side (and is not provided the right conditions for that by her partner/ family) then this often creates a feeling of resentment and anger.
As encapsulated in the sentence ‘Fuck! Why do I have to hold/do/take care of EVERYTHING!!!!!’
If unacknowledged and unexpressed then this resentment might get toxic and come out sideways with snide remarks to the men in her life, who she is secretly holding accountable for this reality she finds herself in (she projects it out at the men in her life and tries to make them suffer for NOT showing up in the masculine role).
So if this is you…in order to move past this pattern it can be super useful to understand WHY you are emasculating men, and own that it has a whole lot to do with YOU (even if it feels like its all about ‘him’. )
Basically, It’s usually a defence mechanism, a strategy that was learned in order to cope with circumstances.
For whatever reason, at some point, you probably assessed that it wasn’t safe to be in your feminine, that you needed to step into the masculine action role, and ‘look after yourself’.
At that time it may have even been a wise strategy!
But then it became a pattern.
And your whole body entrained to the pattern; you developed tension patterns (shoulders that carry the world on them, tense jaw, worry lines, numb yoni) that kept the pattern alive and well.
Meanwhile you got really ‘good at’ being self-sufficient.
Perhaps the men you attracted totally proved your theory right, they didn’t show up, so you took control….
Perhaps you began to doubt that men are even capable of ‘getting their shit together’ and showing up in the masculine role in a positive way.
Then a while later you realize that you are totally out of touch with your feminine qualities. You have difficulty trusting the men to step in and support you. You realize that you yearn to feel feminine and you finally accept that maybe you need some help to reclaim that connection.
#1 - FIND YOUR WHY
Understanding the ‘why’ helps you to move past the pattern and choose a different way to be.
Reflect on the following questions to arrive at your own personal why.
- What is your pattern?
- What specifically do you do that emasculates men? And how do you know you do it?
- How do you feel when you act in these ways?
- When may have these patterns begun? And why?
Once you are aware of it - you are in the position to CHOOSE to keep on playing out the same old story - or choose something else.
#2 - forgive!
It is important to not point fingers - at the men in your life - or even at the patriarchy (even though it is totally worthy of your disdain…) or your mother who you may have learnt this from.
And it is important to not make yourself wrong either. There is no bad guy or bad girl here, there are just patterns that played out, and that can be recreated based on love, rather than fear and control.
So a super important step is to dissolve resentment - forgive the way it played out and all involved, you were all doing the best you could, women and men have been confused, and once we become aware, we have new options.
Forgiveness rituals are perfect for healing and shifting this!
This is the kind of thing I hold in my mixed workshops and retreats..
#3 - MAKE NEW CHOICES
So lets assume that it is no longer unsafe to be in your feminine- so with what you know now…
What paradigm do you choose to create NOW?
Get CLEAR on your core intention. It could be something like this…
‘I am dedicated to creating a life where the men really show up and I am able to relax and be supported.’
#4 - GET BACK INTO YOUR FEMININE BODY
The most direct way out is to find your way back to embodying the feminine in your body (soft, open, loving, naturally blossomy) and to learn how to give over control and trust, and this of course …is a process.
Tantric Feminine practices, and healing offer super potent pathways to recreating a connection to your feminine qualities and ecstatic and orgasmic potential as a woman. I have been teaching these for years (check out my online practices and programs) and I am consistently gob smacked by the efficiency and effectiveness of these practices.
And you can begin this enquiry NOW by reflecting on these questions..
- How would you like to feel as a woman?
- Which feminine qualities would you like to embody more in your life?
#5 - ask for support IN skillful ways
The ‘hard bitch’ or the martyr over controlling archetype usually find it super difficult to ask for help, so a great place to break out of this pattern is to begin to get good at asking for support.
Once I noticed that I found this difficult, life began offering me lots of opportunities to ask- so I decided to embrace it, to be soft and admit that I need help.
In your personal relationships this can be a whole new trip, it helps to have a way to ask that is clear and effective. Something like this…
“I want to feel like…
can you support me by doing ……?
It would make me feel…”
I challenge you to ask for support and /or accept help this week 3 times to get started.
I would love to hear how that went, and what came up for you, share in the comment section below.
#5 - have a tribe of supporters for your journey
I really recommend learning from, and hanging out with, other women who are choosing to NOT play the emasculation game. And who are consciously connecting to their feminine qualities.
Together we can support each other as we explore to show up in a different way.
I hope this was helpful!
I envisage a world where loving strong AND soft and open, embodied and sensual women share and build power for positive change with empowered strong conscious men. I hope these insights help you to take your next step into this reality.