I wrote this article to publicly dispel the bullshit belief that in order to meet your soul mate you need to spend your time 'out there' attracting him or her, or spend your time feverishly 'trying' to 'manifest' him or her.

Here is a revolutionary idea..you could spend the time working on your crap and loving up your own body. Welcome to 'empowered singledom'. And yes it is a little revolutionary... 

Here is a little bit about my story..

For most of my 30's I was invisible to all men. No one had ever spoken to me about the wonders of Empowered Singledom during this time and I felt so much shame about being single. I was viewing the fact that I was not attracting men as somehow proof that something was wrong with me.

Major misconception!!!

In retrospect I see that I was not languishing in a state of aloneness and singledom, I was in fact BUSY UPGRADING.

Yes! I was actually downloading the software for a whole new level of relating. And I think guys could sense it- like there was an invisible sign on my forehead that said ‘Sorry- under construction and presently unavailable'.

Despite feeling quite lonely at moments ( when I wasn't actively in ecstatic orgasmic union with the universe) that time was a profound gift. If I had spent my time distracting myself with connections that didn't really feed me ( ok I did that once or twice but I quickly got the message that such distractions didn't really fill me up) I may have missed my chance for that upgrade.

Instead I used that period of solo time and celibacy to heal, re sensitize and up level my relating game. When my guy eventually came along, I was ready to love him, fully, without losing myself.

I call this ‘Empowered Singledom‘ and I observe many courageous women and men showing up to do this important 'work' of evolving our collective relationship to relationship in this way.

 Read on if you want to know how it all works and WHY you can quit trying to ‘manifest’ a new partner from a place of lack, or feeling inadequate for not having one- and make good use of your single time instead.

So what is Empowered singledom ?

Perhaps the best place to begin on this journey is with this question…


Why do I sabotage myself?

Why would we not want to be fully alive and vital? Why do we sabotage ourselves and make ourselves smaller?

I have a client who was telling me that she tries everyday to breathe more fully and yet there is something that stops her from doing it, she was telling me how she knows she could and should breathe deeply, and if she did she would feel so much more alive, but she feels something inside of her that doesn’t want to do it. She wondered what that was.


I told her, well it is the same thing that sabotages all of our good intentions…


Resistance, baby!

Resistance is super tricky.

It is the sabotage-making aspect within all of us.


It really really helps to get really really intimate with how resistance shows itself in your life.

Do you notice this unnerving pattern; you feel amazing for a bit, and then, you notice a force that wants to pull you back into old patterns that you know ultimately make you feel crap?

One parts of us longs to be more free, more alive, more juicy, more confident, more relaxed, motivated, self actualized and empowered etc, another part sabotages the whole positive action plan.

Why would we want to work against our own happiness?

It can feel kind of comfortable in ‘the known’

Yes, it can feel, crap, constrictive and far too familiar, and some part of us gets addictive to the familiar. Indulging in familiar, life negating habits and patterns can be a good escape from doing the work involved in opening up to more of our potential.

We were trained to act small, we were trained to be ‘good’ and do the right thing and ‘get it right’.

Those old voices and programs still hold powerful sway over us unless we do the work to rewrite the program.


So how to do that?

We were not trained to be big.

This is when you are using your solo time consciously as an opportunity to ‘do the work’ and ‘go deep with yourself’ in ways that you often don’t get to when you are preoccupied in relating to another person.

When engaged with consciously, your alone time can become a valuable time of releasing and rewiring your body and your relating patterns.

Here are the keys I found to really utilizing this time as a conscious practice of Empowered Singledom.

Self- knowledge sets you free… it is extremely liberating to find out how the inner saboteur plays out in your life.


I have developed a healthy fascination with this. For instance, if I am about to do something that is going to lead to growth then I notice all sorts of strange behaviour playing out in the days or hours preceding this.

It actually feels like the contracted and attached parts of me begin to freak out.


If I am about to fast, I notice myself getting super attached to food.

If I am going to expand my business I notice that I will curl in a corner and hide for a while.

If I am going to teach a big workshop I notice myself distracting myself in unnecessary ways so I turn up too late for it to be a peaceful set up where I have time to feel my nervous feelings.


By now I am getting some idea of how it works and how to ‘work it’ so these sabotage patterns do not rule me and keep me from what I truly want and need.


How does your inner saboteur work? How can you work with it in a way that you did not get drawn into its drama in a way that distracts you from your true mission in life?

Speaking to yourself like you are a child might sound stupid but it really works. This process helps you to step out of the known without completely freaking out and sabotaging the whole thing unconsciously.

The worst thing you can do is shame yourself for feeling resistant! Be compassionate with these aspects of self that are scared, and don’t let them take you off track either.

We think that the unknown is scary.


And indeed the unknown IS scary, until we cultivate a different relationship to it.


Any step forward will involve a commitment and a risk.


Do you risk your YES?


Do you feel like you are worth living a life that serves your YES?


Do your feel like you are capable of it? Do you even want it?


What would your YES look like and how can you make the first baby step in that direction NOW? Allow this to be an ongoing exploration in your life. Breathe into the spaces inside of you that feel contracted and allow a sense of spaciousness and surrender into your everyday experience.

#1 Study the f*** out of yourself 

Shake the energy up- and get Support.

There is so much you can learn about yourself during the time that you are single.

For example-I noticed that I could take one look at a guy that I found attractive and immediately create a massive projection about who he was, how he felt about me and our connection. I observed that I had this massive delusion making capacity, and that life was probably showing me something about myself so I chose to study the fuck out of it.

From the moment you decide to really let life show you your patterns, those lessons tend to came thick and fast.

Perhaps if you really look you might notice that;

  • You completely lose your self in romantic fantasy as soon as your present crush is paying attention to you.
  • You judge your self worth by how much attention you receive from men/women.
  • That often you are simply trying to escape a painful sense of emptiness through creating distractions of the romantic variety.

It can be so humbling to realize the ways you lose connection with yourself in a desperate effort to create connection with another!

The point is that when you have understood your patterns and sussed out the root of your core issues outside of relationship time, then you begin to attract nourishing and empowering relationships rather than addictive and disempowering relationships attracted from a needy or un-integrated place.

The awesome thing about studying yourself so vigilantly. Is that when you DO enter into relationship you know SO much about yourself and your needs. As a result you can work with whatever that comes up ‘in real time’ ( rather than working through a whole basement load of unconscious crap through painful and distorted relating patterns and constant triggers.)

 In fact you can potentially avoid years of dysfunctional relating through a focused period of empowered singledom- woo hoo!

But Empowered Singledom can be pretty juicy too, read on!

In addition to getting real with ourselves and asking the important questions …shake the stagnant sabotaging energy out of your body, frequently.


Bring in the wild woman/ man energy. That ‘fuck it’ energy, that inner lion/ lioness that knows how to break the resistance with a mighty roar…


Anything that we can do to help ourselves come into a place of choice, and out of victimhood helps melt the resistance.

#2 Practice Sexy Celibacy

Take it moment by moment- let the carrot lead you

Your alone time can be prime time to consciously cultivate a next level relationship to your own sexual energy, and to remove old programs and patterns from your energy system.

Sexy celibacy involved NOT shutting down your sexuality in the absence of a partner, but to keep that aspect of yourself fully activated with the intention to hold space for healing, learning and evolving.

Sex fasts can in fact be extraordinarily sexy provided you use your time to access your sensuality and explore yourself.

The key is to keep it super juicy through regular self pleasure and sexual energy activation practices that open up your energy channels to handle a higher voltage of refined sexual energy and orgasmic bliss.

(Personally I spent ALOT of time cultivating and circulating sexual energy during my time of Empowered Singledom, I share these practices with women in my online meditations and programs)

Also....when you spend solo time exploring your body and connecting to your sexuality, This allows you to uplevel your energy and refine your vibration in a way that it allows you to call in seriously next level lovers!!!

YES! You might just find that after this focused time of juicing yourself up, that attractions with incredible high vibrational beings just start happening naturally without you trying to make it happen or falling into old patterns of abandoning your self connection and power. 

Thats what happened to me!

(OMG Belive me its so worth it!!)

Take it moment by moment- let the carrot lead you

#3 Create nourishing non-sexual connections that fill your cup

The more you walk this path, the more your trust it, the more the flow takes you.

Messy relationships often become messy simply because either one or both parties are trying to fill up a big gaping hole within.

ES involves taking the time to really check out whether you are trying to fill up from relationships something that you need to first access in yourself

The ability to cultivate self honor and self connection and the ability to give and receive outside of committed relationships takes the pressure OFF the relationships that you have.

I also really recommend using this time to up level your relating communication skills. Intimacy workshops are perfect places to cultivate these skills and up level your intimacy fluency- outside of relationships – in a way that preps you for conscious and empowering relationships! .

Check out my upcoming workshops and retreats​ here

I am super excited about this rising collective movement towards seeing relationships as an opportunity for growth, empowerment and evolution on all levels.

Empowered singledom can be the ultimate training ground and preparation space for conscious relationships, allowing us to become to established in our inner truth and sacred succulence – so we can share that in healthy and empowering ways.

So if you are single..don't feel ashamed! Make the most of it, love your body and up level your vibration. Thank you for being apart of this conscious relationship revolution!

If you can invite your inner saboteur along for the ride, and dance skilfully with the resistance that is part and parcel of growth, then you will definitely find that…


Life is waiting for you to reclaim the depths and breadth of your potential.


The impulse of your growth is more powerful than the part that resists it.


That impulse will guide the way onward, showing you more and more of who you are and of what we you are capable of.


ENJOY this incredible exploration, into the unknown, into the truth, into your fullness.


Activate this in an Empowerment Pod- designed to nurture you into the next level of integrity and empowerment.

Don’t push it, make sure you are on track, and once you are on track, let the track take you, let go of the ‘should’, feel into how good it feels to be dynamic, creatively inspired and ALIVE and let that be what motivates you.


When the resistance is gone what is left? Usually a natural movement towards what we know to be deeply good, and inspiring, for us.

Share the Shakti!
a couple of years ago

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