I wrote this article to publicly dispel the bullshit belief that in order to meet your soul mate you need to spend your time 'out there' attracting him or her, or spend your time feverishly 'trying' to 'manifest' him or her.
Here is a revolutionary idea..you could spend the time working on your crap and loving up your own body. Welcome to 'empowered singledom'. And yes it is a little revolutionary...
Here is a little bit about my story..
For most of my 30's I was invisible to all men. No one had ever spoken to me about the wonders of Empowered Singledom during this time and I felt so much shame about being single. I was viewing the fact that I was not attracting men as somehow proof that something was wrong with me.
In retrospect I see that I was not languishing in a state of aloneness and singledom, I was in fact BUSY UPGRADING.
Yes! I was actually downloading the software for a whole new level of relating. And I think guys could sense it- like there was an invisible sign on my forehead that said ‘Sorry- under construction and presently unavailable'.
Despite feeling quite lonely at moments ( when I wasn't actively in ecstatic orgasmic union with the universe) that time was a profound gift. If I had spent my time distracting myself with connections that didn't really feed me ( ok I did that once or twice but I quickly got the message that such distractions didn't really fill me up) I may have missed my chance for that upgrade.
Instead I used that period of solo time and celibacy to heal, re sensitize and up level my relating game. When my guy eventually came along, I was ready to love him, fully, without losing myself.
I call this ‘Empowered Singledom‘ and I observe many courageous women and men showing up to do this important 'work' of evolving our collective relationship to relationship in this way.
Read on if you want to know how it all works and WHY you can quit trying to ‘manifest’ a new partner from a place of lack, or feeling inadequate for not having one- and make good use of your single time instead.
So what is Empowered singledom ?
This is when you are using your solo time consciously as an opportunity to ‘do the work’ and ‘go deep with yourself’ in ways that you often don’t get to when you are preoccupied in relating to another person.
When engaged with consciously, your alone time can become a valuable time of releasing and rewiring your body and your relating patterns.
Here are the keys I found to really utilizing this time as a conscious practice of Empowered Singledom.
#1 Study the f*** out of yourself
There is so much you can learn about yourself during the time that you are single.
For example-I noticed that I could take one look at a guy that I found attractive and immediately create a massive projection about who he was, how he felt about me and our connection. I observed that I had this massive delusion making capacity, and that life was probably showing me something about myself so I chose to study the fuck out of it.
From the moment you decide to really let life show you your patterns, those lessons tend to came thick and fast.
Perhaps if you really look you might notice that;
- You completely lose your self in romantic fantasy as soon as your present crush is paying attention to you.
- You judge your self worth by how much attention you receive from men/women.
- That often you are simply trying to escape a painful sense of emptiness through creating distractions of the romantic variety.
It can be so humbling to realize the ways you lose connection with yourself in a desperate effort to create connection with another!
The point is that when you have understood your patterns and sussed out the root of your core issues outside of relationship time, then you begin to attract nourishing and empowering relationships rather than addictive and disempowering relationships attracted from a needy or un-integrated place.
The awesome thing about studying yourself so vigilantly. Is that when you DO enter into relationship you know SO much about yourself and your needs. As a result you can work with whatever that comes up ‘in real time’ ( rather than working through a whole basement load of unconscious crap through painful and distorted relating patterns and constant triggers.)
In fact you can potentially avoid years of dysfunctional relating through a focused period of empowered singledom- woo hoo!
But Empowered Singledom can be pretty juicy too, read on!
#2 Practice Sexy Celibacy
Your alone time can be prime time to consciously cultivate a next level relationship to your own sexual energy, and to remove old programs and patterns from your energy system.
Sexy celibacy involved NOT shutting down your sexuality in the absence of a partner, but to keep that aspect of yourself fully activated with the intention to hold space for healing, learning and evolving.
Sex fasts can in fact be extraordinarily sexy provided you use your time to access your sensuality and explore yourself.
The key is to keep it super juicy through regular self pleasure and sexual energy activation practices that open up your energy channels to handle a higher voltage of refined sexual energy and orgasmic bliss.
(Personally I spent ALOT of time cultivating and circulating sexual energy during my time of Empowered Singledom, I share these practices with women in my online meditations and programs)
Also....when you spend solo time exploring your body and connecting to your sexuality, This allows you to uplevel your energy and refine your vibration in a way that it allows you to call in seriously next level lovers!!!
YES! You might just find that after this focused time of juicing yourself up, that attractions with incredible high vibrational beings just start happening naturally without you trying to make it happen or falling into old patterns of abandoning your self connection and power.
Thats what happened to me!
(OMG Belive me its so worth it!!)
#3 Create nourishing non-sexual connections that fill your cup
Messy relationships often become messy simply because either one or both parties are trying to fill up a big gaping hole within.
ES involves taking the time to really check out whether you are trying to fill up from relationships something that you need to first access in yourself
The ability to cultivate self honor and self connection and the ability to give and receive outside of committed relationships takes the pressure OFF the relationships that you have.
I also really recommend using this time to up level your relating communication skills. Intimacy workshops are perfect places to cultivate these skills and up level your intimacy fluency- outside of relationships – in a way that preps you for conscious and empowering relationships! .
Check out my upcoming workshops and retreats here
I am super excited about this rising collective movement towards seeing relationships as an opportunity for growth, empowerment and evolution on all levels.
Empowered singledom can be the ultimate training ground and preparation space for conscious relationships, allowing us to become to established in our inner truth and sacred succulence – so we can share that in healthy and empowering ways.
So if you are single..don't feel ashamed! Make the most of it, love your body and up level your vibration. Thank you for being apart of this conscious relationship revolution!