First of all, I am going to cut to a view of a very large truth.
And that is that as women, if we are truly in our power and our feminine essence, we have the power to awaken. We have the power to both EMBODY and STAND for TRUTH.
And from this place we can CALL OUR MEN UP and serve evolution.
We have access to super Shakti (vibrant transformational life force energy).
When we EMBODY this we can SHARE it. It usually takes a hell of a lot of inner work to reclaim this natural ability, but I suggest that as conscious women, that this is the journey we are here for; to come into deeper presence and truth within ourselves- and share that.
As a Tantra teacher holding space for women and men to explore conscious relating; probably the number one desire I hear from women is that they want their men to be ‘present’.
As we become more conscious and aware and ‘present’ ourselves it seems we hunger for a partner to meet us there- and get frustrated when he doesn’t.
We want to feel like our man can feel us. And that he is ‘meeting us’ emotionally AND psychologically AND energetically and physically…
Maybe we have high expectations? I am not sure… What I am sure of is that if we are going to call our man into presence, that for this to be effective at all, we need to do this from the right place.
Here is a nice story about how I called my man into presence the other day...
I was with my lover and I could see he was not really ‘there’; among other things I noticed that he was avoiding eye contact. Initially I noticed myself shut down my energy in resignation and frustration…AND THEN from somewhere deep in myself, I decided that I was not willing to play my old pattern, which was to give up/shut down or complain…
I said to him,
“I cannot feel you! Would you be willing to come here and see what is really happening right now? “
He was willing (bless him!) and we sat eye to eye. I looked into his eyes from somewhere very deep inside of myself - not from a needy or demanding place, from a place of embodied truth and love, from my goddess self, a conscious connected place.
I felt his resistance and I did not falter, I held the flame of my own loving fearless presence, we kept on eye gazing, we breathed, after a while (resistance, fear and doubt all made an appearance but we kept on breathing) after a little while, an energetic shift happened, and BOOM, he was there, he was BACK, he was PRESENT in his body, in his heart, and in connection with me.
And he thanked me.
(then we made delicious love…)
That’s how it CAN be when you demand presence from a truly healthy integrated, empowered place…
Magical transformation can happen.
If I had criticized him for ‘not being present with me’ at that time, it could have been VERY different..probably a big drama full of confusion and resentment; a little girl and little boy in struggle…
As it happened, in this case I called him in from a true desire for us to access connection, and move through what was blocking us from that, I totally stood in that, with my heart OPEN and he rose up to meet me there. Amazing!
But it’s not necessarily playing out like this is it?
If we are relating from a more fragmented and wounded place, things can get a little messy....
Let me explain a little more about the little boy/little girl struggle that can so easily happen in relationship.
You could say that every relationship between a man and a woman involves 4 parties; the little girl and the little boy, the empowered conscious woman and the empowered conscious man (the one who is naturally ‘present’).
This is important to note…
Because…. if you are asking for presence from your man from the place of the little girl, you are probably not really asking for presence, you are asking for ATTENTION and VALIDATION.
And his little boy will feel that as a demand, as a pull on his energy.
And chances are he will REACT from that little boy place, by pulling away, and you will TAKE THAT PERSONALLY and you will get hurt/angry/resentful.
And voila! A big mess…
So the essential point in this article is that if you want your man to be more present, you need to do this from the right place.
So how to do this?
What I found is that I had to 'do the work' with my inner little girl. I needed to learn about her unmet needs and the patterns that she plays out in an effort to meet those needs.
This ‘work’ of meeting, owning and loving your little girl, and moving into your conscious empowered woman, is a process...obviously.
It takes a lot of patience.
It takes an honest enquiry into where WE are not fully showing up.
It takes dedication to go beyond the old stories and commitment to create new pathways for connection.
And all along the way we have to really accept where we (and those we are relating to) are at, in all our messy human glory.
But YES you can do it! This is the new yoga, this is relationship yoga, this is ‘ where the rubber hits the road’ this is the next level of empowerment, the natural evolution of intimacy.
I offer this to you, and to myself, so that together we can write a new story that is more fresh, vibrant and awesome than that old “men should be more…” story.
That story keeps us STUCK in the old paradigm.
And women…we are ready for the next level!!
To truly break this cycle it may well have to be US who take responsibility for having our needs met and lead the way.
We really need to be ‘big girls’ now!
And to know ourselves SO well, and accept ourselves SO completely, that we can meet our relationships from a truly empowered and loving space.
Know that the force of your own presence is powerful. As a woman in connection to your own heart and your own truth, you affect everything around you.
Please keep on exploring yourself and invite your man to explore with you. Give him the chance to rise up and meet you so that you can SHARE presence, rather than demand it.
I hope this was useful
You can stop here and breathe all this in, connect to your belly and your truth and your LOVE for the man in question and men in general and your desire to serve what is true.
How can I help you now!