So...you get together. He is into it. You are into it.
It is amazing!
He is saying beautiful things/blowing your mind with delicious touch and attention.
You feel loved and desired.
And you get really excited about it all! You are thinking about him all the time.
He is rocking your world.
Then all of a sudden, he stops texting you, stops being enthusiastic about you,
He gets a bit cold, energetically, and perhaps physically he ‘leaves’.
Big sigh… I know... it totally sucks.
What to do?
I know what I used to do, I would:
- Feel completely rejected
- Feel utterly worthless
- Think I was stupid for opening too much
- Think I was ‘unspiritual’ for getting so attached
You are a woman, and it is totally natural OPEN and to bubble with excitement when you feel loved. Actually, HOW GORGEOUS! What a resplendent feminine super power to be able to OPEN your heart and move
faithfully towards what feels like LOVE.
Unfortunately, this opening often accompanied
by some expectations where this is
going, which CAN...
by some expectations where this is
going, which CAN...
- Take us out of connection with ourselves
- Have us lost in a fantasy rather than being tuned into the reality of what is
really happening ; and...
- Cause a lot of disappointment and emotional pain.
That all seems to be quite natural too…
(or at least it is for me and for the hundreds of women I know who experience the same thing).
But although you may have been spoon-fed spiritual dogma about how you ‘should not get attached’ I want to encourage you to NOT to beat up on yourself about it.
- Don’t make this about you being wrong (or him being wrong either).
- Don’t get stuck in a big emotional drama about this for the next 6 months to 2 years (it happens).
- Can turn this into a growthful journey of discovery and possibly not attract this situation again and again.
#1 BE RESPONSIBLE & explore yourself
Perhaps life created this situation so that you can lean about your old stories and beliefs about yourself, about men/ women. Maybe it is all set up like this to allow you to feel your deepest feelings, connect to your deepest desires, your needs, your blind spots and the way you 'leave' yourself and your power.
- Is this a repeating pattern in my life?
- What about this feels familiar and challenging?
- Which emotions and feelings does this bring up?
- What is my relationship to these emotions/feelings?
- Can I hold myself lovingly as I feel these emotions and the accompanying sensations?
In what small (or large) ways, do I ‘leave myself’ and how can I really stay with myself, and love myself fully, right now?
These are the kinds of questions to ask your own sweet
self in a very very loving way.
This situation is a great
opportunity for you to explore yourself!
At the end of the day, this is all about you. I know this can be frustrating to hear but it is also the most empowering and realistic way to meet this. To not give your power away in this situation, is a complete game changer, and can only happen when you become self aware and responsible.
#2 Connect To Yourself
I touched on a biggy in the last sentence…Did you catch it?
It was the bit about 'leaning out' of yourself and your power.
Don’t worry, you are not alone. We all do it at times. The real power comes with getting clear about HOW and WHEN we lean out of our power when we are relating to another person.
When you are connected to your body then you are anchored in the moment (not the projected future where you are getting married).
This point is very important.
If you remain centered in yourself as you relate to a man, if you don't 'lean out' then when/if he leaves, you don't fall over, It still hurts, but you are still 'with' yourself.
Most of us were not guided to be connected to our own bodies, or to parent ourselves (in other words to receive love from ourselves). This usually requires learning to BE with the parts of our selves that feel unworthy, and to love ourselves there.
It is a big journey, this is what I help the women I work with do.
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To summarize; the most intelligent way you can meet
this situation is to recognize it as a call for you to
connect to yourself and LOVE yourself up BIG TIME.
#3 Call him Up - Ask him to be
This might be all about YOU on one level, but on another it was a co-creation.
This situation may require you to reflect where perhaps your clear vision was distorted, but you also have the right to enquire into his side of the experience; to express your truth and ask for clarity.
What I have found is that WILL ONLY WORK if you do this from a non-blamey space.
Be a love warrior, a priestess, devoted to
uncovering the truth in the situation .
You could ask him:
- What exactly happened for you?
- Is this a pattern of yours?
- How could we have done things differently?
Obviously, it takes huge courage to and maturity to do this. But the information you uncover together could be very helpful for both of you. It could be a chance for both of you to evolve out of your patterns.
If he is not willing to engage on this level with you then you KNOW that he/she is not the one for you anyway.
The willingness to communicate consciously is the bedrock of any fulfilling relationship.
#4 - Channel your energies
During the relationship, after the relationship, keep your feminine energy FLOWING. Run, skip, sing, dance wildly, swim in oceans and rivers, scream in waterfalls (or pillows) cry theatrically, journal and get hugs.
All of it!
Whatever is there that needs to be expressed - turn it up, study it and feel it and resist judging or suppressing any of it (and resist spewing it out on anyone else either).
I have found it really useful to process it out with
myself first before trying to 'have it out' with him.
#5 If he is just not that into you...
It comes to a point when you would rather be connected to yourself than ‘lean out’ of yourself and grab for love. It can take a while. But it happens.
It only happens though when you actively CHOOSE not to pour all your energy into situations that do not nourish you.
So if he is not that into you, let it go, don’t bother. Get super discerning and see if you can catch the signs that this guy is not on the same page as you. If he is not, then adjust expectations accordingly or get out.
Spend your time cultivating your relationship to
yourself, until a full YES comes along. It probably will not
come until you have found your YES within.
It’s a journey - its your radical exploration - allow it to grow you and wake you up to a deeper
Gosh I hope this keeps you from creating a lot of unnecessary pain for yourself.
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